Wise Remorse and Shame

Wise Remorse and Shame are two distinct responses to having done something that conflicts with one’s values or the values of a group. Though they can both involve feelings of guilt or regret, they differ significantly in how they affect self-perception, emotional regulation, and the potential for growth.

1. Focus on Behavior vs. Self

   • Wise remorse centers on what was done and how to make amends. The internal narrative is: “I made a mistake.”

   • Shame, on the other hand, focuses on who the person is, leading to a conclusion like: “I am a bad or unworthy person.”

2. Emotional Tone

   • Wise remorse feels like a sober acknowledgment of wrongdoing combined with a desire for repair; there is regret and self-compassion.

   • Shame is more painful and isolating. It often carries a self-condemning tone that can spiral into low self-esteem and hopelessness.

3. Motivation and Consequences

   • Wise remorse motivates constructive change. The person takes responsibility for their actions, seeks to fix any harm done, and learns from the experience.

   • Shame frequently leads to withdrawal, hiding, or self-defensiveness. It can stall the ability to admit fault or make amends, because the negative self-view feels overwhelming.

4. Relationship with Others

   • Wise remorse fosters reconciliation and empathy. Admitting a mistake without self-flagellation can strengthen bonds through honesty and mutual understanding.

   • Shame tends to create distance. The individual may feel too unworthy or humiliated to face others, potentially leading to further alienation.

5. Long-Term Effects

   • Wise remorse encourages emotional resilience by reinforcing that mistakes are part of growth. It preserves self-worth while integrating lessons learned.

   • Shame can become a pervasive negative self-identity. It blocks healthy self-examination and frequently results in repeating maladaptive patterns.

In short, wise remorse is constructive and oriented toward healing, accountability, and betterment, while shame is self-focused, destructive, and hinders the capacity to grow from mistakes.

The goal for this game is to inspire “wise remorse” rather than shame and a focus on “what was done,” “how to make amends,” seems to be the way to inspire the empathy needed, for parents involved in IPC to ultimately, take accountability and change their behavior toward each other.

The study will show if the design is effective. No Pressure, Theresa.